From: "Caroline" 
Newsgroups: misc.invest.financial-plan
Subject: Re: Parents Who Refuse to Pay for College
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 17:11:41 CST
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"TCullen95"  wrote
> I paid my way through college by joining the Army, because my parents
> couldn't afford to pay for the public school I attended. It turned out
> to be a good experience that taught me a lot about money and personal
> responsibility -- you worry about flunking a course more when you have
> to pay to take it over again.

My experience is not unlike the above. My parents paid for my first year at a
very nice Eastern school. Then for part-financial reasons, part my own
disappointment with my employment prospects after graduating from this school, I
left, "affiliated" with the military, and received my bachelor's and more. (I'm
keeping this vague because it's the 'net.)

> Now I have children of my own, and I'm wondering how much of the cost
> of a 4-year degree my husband and I should plan on shouldering
> (they're on their own for graduate school).
>
> Anyone out there a parent who refuses to pay for their kid's college
> education -- or at least demand that their kids pay for some of it
> (either through work-study, students loans, etc.)? Not because you
> can't afford it but because you don't feel it's your responsibility to
> shoulder the whole load?

My parents did not say to me, "You go to the best college into which you can
gain admission. Pursue your passions, work hard, and find some time to enjoy.
Don't worry about the bill." On the contrary, they worked a guilt trip on me for
spending their money on a 'country club life.' (That's not exactly what it was.
I studied hard. But one of my parents saw the life I led in that one year of
college as indulgence.) So I left, was freed of the guilt trip (which is nice),
and found my way to my Bachelor's and then a yuppie income for years. And yet,
money is not everything. The nice Eastern college I left noted that its purpose
was not to teach a vocation but to give its students an appreciation of *life.*
True to this, I feel that the intellectual caliber of my work and thus
ultimately social acquaintances of the past is low. For decades their priorities
were beer, women, movies, the mall. I never connected with this. I'm not in this
profession any longer.

In the c. 1968 movie "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner," the Sidney Poitier
character's father starts lecturing his son about how many miles he'd walked and
thousands of pounds of mail he'd carried to pay for his son's college and
medical school. The son was a responsible fellow and extremely successful MD.
The father said his son "owed him." The Poitier character listens until his
father finishes and then rebutts him: 'No, you  owe me. All that stuff [working
hard as a mailman] you would have done anyway. You brought me into this world.
Your responsibility was to see that I get the best education possible.' It's a
striking rebuke.

I tend to agree with the latter. If I had kids, I would raise them with a solid
work ethic--no free ride per se. But they'd have every advantage I could afford
until the age of about 22. If they wanted college and agreed to work hard
(including finding employment in the summer) and agreed to talk about why I was
paying for it ('cause I loved them but I also want them to realize I personally
can't support them financially forever), and budgeting, I'd pay every cent.
Should they want to go to medical school or the like and gave indications of
being serious about it, I'd strongly consider a generous loan, presuming I'd
raised a kid who would keep the terms of that loan and understand and accept
(with respect and affection) why we shoud have such an agreement in legal
writing.

If you and your husband do not feel you have the money, then explain this to the
kids. Give them other options. I still agree the military (either the academies,
ROTC, or enlisting) is one viable option. Of course I'm not sure if this is
something your kids would want, even with the financial pressure.

I'd be curious as to what your kids said about wanting to go to college; the
military; etc. Whether they think about how to make a living when they're older,
etc...